I use to spend my mornings and night with you. I use to drive away from the house looking forward to keeping you in my life as the day progressed. I use to find any excuse to get in your word. I use to schedule my days around your word. Now I can’t get through a book without losing interest or feeling like I have to read something else. I am doubting my future, fearful of the economic downturns, and questioning what you are doing to me in this season. 

You are doing so much behind the scenes but all that’s in front of me is a tainted fleshly perspective. My faith is wavering. My fear is elevating. I am prioritizing so much that moves me further away from you. I try to control the thing only you can control. I have so much to do but feel like I have nothing to do at all. I’m not the person I preach about. I fall short every time of the Guy I tell you all to follow. I want to be a spiritual leader but I’m still working on myself as a follower of the one we call Christ. 

This summer, I will be graduating from my two-year ministry program. Where I’ll hopefully receive a license to minister in Texas and am praying about being ordained. I don’t want to undermine the spiritual significance of this honor. I thought after two years of school, I’d feel ready to pastor and roll into a pastoral job with ease. To tell you the truth, I’m not confident I am ready and I’m even less confident I will land a position quickly. 

Since coming to Christ, these last twenty months have been a roller coaster. From the outside world being exposed from the inside out; to my personal life being flipped upside down. I lost my best friend in the world. Someone I’ve lived with and did life with for the best years of my life. The years my son was little and I fell in love with my wife. Someone who was alongside me as I grew from a boy to a man. My brother Armani was exactly that, a brother. The brother I never had, always wanted and truly needed. He was shorter and smaller than me, but he was always my big brother. This death pulled me in closer to Christ and then life hit me with another series of punches and I’m realizing this one pushed me away from Christ. 

I still love him deep in my heart. I miss him every day. Jesus and Armani. 

I’m asking God, pleading to him to help me spend more time with Him. I love the church and I love the other people that love God being there but my real-time with him is when I’m alone and the Word is open and my hands are holding a pen. 

I need this house. My wife needs this house. My kids need this house. Our mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well-being need this house. We have been so patient. So impatient. We have done things we have never done before. I have called dozens of people, signed big checks, shook hands with a whole different group of people, and have done my best to be a light to those in front of me. 

Just yesterday, a contractor I really connected with was standing on the dirt pad where my home is going to be. Jesse is a firecracker of a man. Every word he speaks you have no choice but to listen to. He’s brilliant and ballsy. He says what comes to his mind and is unapologetic about it while also being next-level respectful to others. I was drawn to this gentleman the first day I met him and he and his dad have been the ones helping us get this house put on the land. They are the muscle to the operation of lifting up a 2,000 square foot double wide and moving it to the land.

On this Saturday morning, Jesse asked us to come to the Land and approve of the final location of the home. He set it up beautifully and his vision helped our vision become even cleaner and crisper. We locked in the spot and then Jesse cut it up with us for a few minutes and then he casually told us he needs prayer just before telling us a story about something that was heavy on his heart. He had some humorous moments in the story and I picked up on the comedic brushoffs he was doing to mask his hurt and worry. I’m guilty of doing the same. That’s one of the reasons stand-up comedy was such a big part of my life for three years. Deep down I was hurting and telling jokes was my way out of the pit. 

Finding Jesus allowed me to break away from that life and now I’m standing on the spot my house is going to be and God gave me the opportunity to pray for this man. He finishes telling me the story and I give him some encouragement and ask him some further questions to gauge the prayer. To be honest, I didn’t think I was going to actually pray for him until later. He casually mentioned it and it was so far in the past of our convo that I could have easily blown it off and hit him with “I’ll be praying for you brother.” 

Holy Spirit had different plans and Christ has clearly been still moving in my life despite my lack of pastoral job and my overall lack of faith as of late. This is one of the few times I’ve ever had this opportunity happen. The first time was with a man I met on the RV journey who would soon after get baptized and bring his family closer to Christ. This time it was from a man I would have never expected to need something from me. The story wrapped up, the questions faded out and I asked him if I could pray for him. He said something I’ll never forget, “No! But you can pray WITH me.” 

I didn’t know what to pray. I didn’t know what to say, but words still came out. I was standing on the dirt of the house God is going to bless me with while praying for the supernatural to intervene in this man’s life and his family's life. As I write this, I ponder the perspective of potentially being the first person to pray for this man’s grandchild. Despite my lack of income, no pastoral job, and doubt about my future God is still showing me how to work for the Kingdom. 

I'll be honest, praying is my least favorite part of my pastor pursuit. I have a hard time with doing something that feels corny. This may be a reflection of pride but still, if something feels cheesy or inorganic I don't like to be a part of it spiritually. I take my spiritual relationship with Jesus seriously and laying hands on someone to pray is only possible with me when it is spirit-led. 

I usually write my prayers and say them in my head before bed. I talk to Jesus throughout the day and I pour my heart out on every podcast. Despite me knowing how powerful prayer is when you put the words out into the spiritual realm living all around you, I don't often pray out loud like that. 

Yet as of late, I have been praying out loud more than my ego ever could have imagined. My first basketball game back from Africa a player on the varsity basketball team I coach asked me to pray for them before the biggest game of the year. We lost by 1 when we were up 12 going into the fourth quarter. A heartbreaking loss that felt the same way my life was going at the time. Despite the loss, I’ve been praying for them before every game ever since. Arms wrapped around each other before every game, they went from doing the kingdom prayer to just hearing me talk to Jesus. 

I have no doubt God is going to answer the prayers I made on that dirt pad. I have faith Jesse and his family, are going to be blessed. I have evidence God is using me in this season for His Glory. Even in the L’s, God is still shining brighter than my defeats. I am praying with my oldest son before bed more than ever, I’m talking to him about God, I’m praying for 20 kids in front of my oldest son, and now I’m praying for the people God’s put in front of me. Lord use me!

God set this moment with Jesse up for me to be faithful to the spirit. My wife got called over by my kids and it was just man to man standing there. I have been praying for this house every day and God used the exact spot of the house to lift up this grandbaby to Him. The kingdom of God is here. Are you working for it? 

I may not have a job, health care, or a 401k but I have a God who is my provider, my focus, and my strength. I let my silly mind trick me of my faith. I let my fears intervene in my thoughts about God’s goodness. I let the world’s problems impact my inner peace. 

I am not holy, I am the Christian that still sins and slips. I am one of those Christian who still needs Christ more than ever. I am living in the midst of spiritual warfare taking place and I am searching for the armor of God in my everyday battles. Sometimes I get lucky and I find the sword of the spirit and the shield of faith. I am an ambassador for Christ and if that is all I am then I am at peace. I rebuke the number I perceive as value to what my worth is. Christ is enough. 

So God I ask you to get us in that house before baby Zeke comes. Once we are in that house, I ask you to help me spend more time with you, Lord. I see you’re still working on me and in me, even when the book is open less and the pen isn’t as active. I ask you to continue growing me in Christ. I pray for my marriage, my children, and my future. I’m thankful for all that you have blessed me with and I praise you during the good times and the bad times. You’re a God I want to tell the world about. Help me do that in ways that are outside of the box of my conventional thinking. Give me opportunities to minister to the one in front of me and the ones behind the screens, pages, and podcasts. I live this life for you Lord and please forgive me of all my daily sins. Thank you God for sending your son to die on the cross for me and I praise you for resurrecting him. To God be the glory. In Jesus' name, I pray, amen.